Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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