Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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