Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I love you.
Bad choice
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