literally had 100 drinks last night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
