she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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