I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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