dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
