Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
