I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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