Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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