I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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