When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
