i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My balls are so social today.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
