she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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