Plan B is the new Plan A
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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