I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
