I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
