I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
