Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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