there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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