I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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