I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
