The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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