saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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