my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
