I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
