mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
