ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
