Church boner. Awkwardddd
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
