Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
