Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize