fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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