he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
