my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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