Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
