Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
