im gay
i know
yea but for you.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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