i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
