Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
