How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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