i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
