All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
