It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Randomize
