My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
