I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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