so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
