Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
