Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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