Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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