and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
