goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
