I must be too annoying 4 u.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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