Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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