its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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