I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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