i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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