youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
