Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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