Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
